SENSITIVE CONTENT ADVISORY: This article discusses the topic of self-harm and may not be suitable for all readers. Please take care when reading this content. If you or a loved one are struggling with a mental health crisis, support is available 24/7. Call or text 988 or chat with a professional online.
There are a lot of misconceptions about the topic of self-harm and how it relates to individuals who are struggling with their mental health. In this article, Watson Institute Mental Health Therapist, Jenny Unger, LBS, LPC, NCC will delve into the topic, discussing what self-harm is, what it is not, how to recognize the signs that someone may be struggling, and how to help them.
What is Self-Harm?
Self-harm is the intentional hurting of one’s own body. It is a physical action taken against oneself and is a symptom of emotional pain that should be taken very seriously. This type of behavior indicates that the individual needs better coping skills and support to prevent further harm.
Self-harm is often misclassified as a mental illness in itself. It can signify that there may be a mental struggle occurring in the individual, but it is not itself an illness. It’s not a cry for attention, but a physical manifestation of the anguish an individual may be experiencing.
Self-harm may include cutting, biting, burning, pinching, hair pulling, scratching or rubbing, banging or hitting, and picking at scabs to prevent healing. This is not an exhaustive list, but some of the methods of self-harm I see the most as a clinician.
Why do people self-harm?
There are a number of reasons why someone may engage in self-harm. Often it’s used as a means to express inexpressible feelings or to change intense emotional pain into physical pain. It’s a way for the person to feel some sense of control. Low self-esteem or sense of worth can lead individuals, particularly adolescents, to engage in this behavior.
Self-harm can help individuals seeking escape from traumatic memories, a history of trauma or abuse, intrusive thoughts, or as a way to punish themselves for a perceived wrong.
Once a person engages in self-harm, they may experience shame and guilt for having done so. If the shame leads to intense negative feelings, that person may engage in self-harm again. The behavior can thus become a dangerous cycle and a long-time habit.
How do I know if my child is self-harming?
It can be difficult to know if your child is engaged in self-harm. Do not blame yourself. Individuals engaging in this behavior can be very good at hiding the signs that they are self-harming.
There are a few common warning signs that may signal that your child is in distress:
- Sudden changes in appearance like wearing long-sleeves or pants in warm weather can be an indication that they are hiding injuries or scarring.
- Sudden changes in your child’s mood or behavior such as retreating from others, acting out in atypical ways, or major changes to their routines can indicate an issue.
- Sometimes individuals engaging in self-harm will bring it up in conversation, passing it off in a joking manner or minimizing the seriousness of the behavior.
Pay attention to your child’s habits, routines, and moods if you have concerns. If you aren’t sure, it may be best to seek professional assistance for you and your child.
How do I help my child if they are self-harming?
As a parent or caregiver, it is painful to imagine your child engaging in self-harming behaviors, but there are ways you can help and resources that are available for you and your child.
I recommend the following as responses to help your child:
- Listen without judgment. It is important to listen to the person who self-harms without casting judgment upon them. Provide a safe space for them to express their honest thoughts and feelings, even if that makes you uncomfortable. It is okay to communicate that while you may not fully understand what they are experiencing, you are there to help.
- Encourage talking about feelings. Those who self-harm often have difficulty expressing their emotions, but encouraging them to talk about their feelings can help them identify and process what they are going through.
- Identify other ways to cope with emotions. Since self-harm is often used as a coping mechanism, helping your child identify alternative ways to cope, such as mindfulness or moving their body, can be beneficial. It can also help to identify a support system of people in their life they can reach out to in moments of distress.
- Be patient and understanding. Recovery from self-harm is a process that takes time. It is important to be patient and understanding as your child works through recovery.
- Be open-minded. Be willing to learn about self-harm and how you can support your child in their distress. This includes being willing to seek out information and resources.
- Provide support. This can be as simple as being there for your child, checking in on them, spending time together, or offering to accompany them to appointments or support groups. Showing up for your child in the ways they may need you will help them feel understood and cared for.
- Seek professional help. If your child isn’t already receiving support from a professional, encourage therapy or counseling. Mental health care can be a key component of their recovery process.
As a clinician, I’ve witnessed a variety of responses and coping mechanisms that families of a child engaging in self-harm can engage in. Not all of them are well-received by the individual who is struggling.
Here’s my advice on a few ways you can avoid worsening the feelings your child is already experiencing:
- Don’t make assumptions. Every person is unique so it’s important to understand their individual experience and not make assumptions about what they may be feeling.
- Don’t make them feel guilty about how their behavior affects others. Individuals engaging in self-harm often already feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame about their behaviors. Adding to that can further intensify and perpetuate the cycle of self-harming.
- Avoid expressing pity. Even if you intend to provide empathy, pity can often be received with anger as it perpetuates perceived stigmas, feelings of shame, and low self-esteem.
- Avoid making jokes about the situation. Even if your child is making light of the situation, humor attempts to minimize the seriousness of a situation and can make them feel as though their feelings or experiences aren’t being taken seriously.
- Don’t give your child an ultimatum. Pressuring them into promising to stop the self-harming behaviors can worsen their feelings of guilt or inadequacy without the proper support and treatment.
If you have any concerns about your child’s mental or emotional health, seek support and be sure to take care of your own mental health needs along the way. Knowing that your child is in pain can take a toll on parents, family members, and caregivers. Having someone, a loved one or a professional counselor can help you share the emotional load and ensure you’re able to show up to support your child as they address their difficulties.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat online with a professional to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
By Jenny Unger, LBS, LPC, NCC | Outpatient Mental Health Therapist
Jenny Unger has extensive experience in professional counseling and psychology, particularly for elementary-age children. She currently works at the Watson Institute’s Psychological Services Outpatient Clinic supporting children with mental health and behavioral challenges.